Tostitos: Snack or Sword?

In case you didn't know it, eating alone can be dangerous.  Aside from the risk of choking to death after panicking because you can't give yourself the Heimlich, there is also the risk of overeating.  With someone else in your vicinity, she could either force you to share... or stop... or at least remind you about your new pants that just barely fit. 

 

Pathetically, I had a quite scary "I eat alone" Tostitos food attack the other day.  No, I didn't start choking.  I wasn't overeating either since I only had one bag of Tostitos and Yesterday Me already ate half the bag.  Half of a bag in one night = modest portion control.

 

(Sidebar: I recently observed that I have five boxes of microwave popcorn.  Two movie theater butter, one extra butter, one homestyle, and one very large good-deed-for-the-day-but-thankfully-it-still-tastes-delicious box from the Boy Scouts.  Is it strange that I have five boxes?  I find it worrisome that I only have one microwave that was new back when The New Kids on the Block were, um, new, and not middle-aged men attempting a sad comeback circus.  I should probably buy a microwave just in case the other one breaks.  I don't ever want to live through a terrifying popcorn shortage disaster.  My parents didn't sacrifice and work hard to help me get an education and a good job only to go popcorn-less, of all things.  That would be disgraceful and quite an embarrassing phone call home.  "Hello, Mom?  Can you please come over as soon as possible with some freshly popped popcorn?"  ...And here I am accusing NKOTB of having issues.) 

 

I was happily chomping away on my couch as I watched TV, ignoring the fact that my lips were tingling with salt overload, when It Happened.

 

I crunched into a perfectly crispy Tostito, and a piece of that bugger flew right up into my unsuspecting wide-open eyeball.  Usually my eyes only like to take in things that are pleasing, such as the sight of Sepulveda shirtless.  There's nothing like getting bombarded by a sword flying into your eye in the supposed comfort of your own home.  Why in the world is my eye-blinking reflex so slow?  Is this why the optometrist says I have dry eyes?  Too many Tostitos?  Help!!!  Is it still in there? 



Can you believe that the optometrist actually told me to "remind yourself to blink more often"?   As if there aren't enough things in life to think about... like bills, or Silly Putty, or Girl Scout cookies.... things that aren't supposed to be automatic, things that you might actually forget to do and... oops... hold on while I blink.

 

It's amazing how a piece of chip can burn and stab like it's a marble-sized piece of rock salt.  Or a sword covered in rock salt. 

 

Getting back to my earlier point that eating alone is unsafe...  did I run to the sink to rinse my presumably red eye with water?  Did I at least put the bag down and back away slowly, giving it the appropriate mixed regard of respect and fear, knowing that it could strike again, much too fast for my remaining eye to handle?

 

Of course not. 




No one was there to save me aside from Ryan Seacrest and JLo and... oh... I guess they weren't really there either.

 

In the words of bad-ass George Thorogood, "I eat alone... yeah with nobody else...  yeah you know when I eat alone, I prefer to be by myself!".  

 

What are you saying?  The lyric is "drink" instead of "eat"?  Guess it depends on your mood or your blog post topic.  Check out the song here if you don't know it.

 

Anyway, I plowed through the rest of that bag bleary-eyed and considered it a small personal victory over the company that I help keep profitable (Frito-Lay).  Not exactly sure why victorious was the emotion, but you should allow me a pass on this one since I was wounded in an unarmed attack. 

 

Dangerous, indeed. 




Be careful out there. 
Use the buddy system. 
Remember to blink. 
Time the big crunch for when your eyes are shut. 




This is world-class advice from someone who knows... and you can't find words of wisdom like this anywhere but a pierogi blog.  Now if you'll please excuse me, I must go play with Silly Putty.