Pittsburgh

In the way that your skyline looks on my morning commute
in the way that you light up at night
in the faces of those who tread the downtown sidewalks
in the conversations held with accents unique

in the way that your people have scattered the globe
in the way that each one still loves his first home
in the heart of every Pittsburgher beats strong
in the values and hard work that is in your blood
in the hopes of your sports teams lifting us up

in the way that you are always unpretentious
in the steel that fashioned you so true
in the tunnels and bridges and hillsides and rivers

in the way that black and gold are lovely
this is why you are my one and only

The Visit

I went to see an old friend today.  Actually, using the term frenemy would probably better describe our relationship.  We've known each other for about fifteen years and at times I think I hate him.

Before seeing him, I had been thinking about him nonstop, even dreaming of him occasionally.  I knew I owed him a visit and he knew it too.  When I got to his place, I walked into the room as nonchalantly as I could.  I already felt his eyes on mine; the weight of his stare created a knot in my stomach while I tried to check out the other men in the room.  I didn't want to be with him, but he knew very well that my other options did not suit me as well as he did.  I sidled up to him and gave him a resigned smile.  I apologized for not coming to see him in so long.  I touched his arm and the feel of my old friend melted away my fears and misgivings.  He expressed happiness in seeing me too and we started to walk together slowly as we caught up on all that had happened since the last time I saw him.  We were both polite and I was glad I made the time to go see him today.  Our conversation was friendly and quiet; he spoke to me in a comforting whisper.

Except that was just the beginning.  If you've ever been in an abusive relationship, you'll know what happened next.  His tone shifted on me.  His true feelings came out... he was angry and jealous that I did not visit him sooner.  He started getting agitated, talking faster and louder and making me walk faster to try to keep up with his long strides.  This happens every time I see him, so I don't know why I am always surprised at how swiftly he can take my breath away and confuse me with his mean words.  I protested.  I pleaded. 

He was relentless and wouldn't slow down.  Earlier when I thought he was happy to see me, I realized that he had tricked me.  He lulled me into a false sense of security.  He promised me this wouldn't happen again.  I hated myself for believing in him, just like I did the last time and the time before that and the time before that one, too.  His mocking, sneering smile berated me for staying away so long.  My feeble excuses of "But I don't have time!" and "I wanted to come see you!" were drowned out in his maniacal roar and the sound of my heart pounding in my chest.  He told me it was all my fault and through clenched teeth I broke down and told him he was right.  Once he knew he had defeated me, he finally started to calm down.  I was near tears and felt emotionally, physically drained.  This is what he wants.  I know it to be true and yet I still can't leave him.  Furthermore, he knows I won't leave... and this gives him all the power.   He knows about my pierogi dream and he cruelly reminds me every visit of how much I need him.  He is a cocky son-of-a-bitch and for good reason.  When things are great between us, there is no one who can make me feel euphoric like he can.  No one.  Like any other man, he loves it when I turn him on when I first see him.  Instead of wanting to be with him, I'm ready to walk away after a few minutes.  Like any other woman, I love it when I abruptly shut him down at the end of our visits.  I feel invincible, strong. 

My friend and I have a tortured relationship when all I've ever wanted is for it to be harmonious.  I haven't been able to commit to only him though, and so he does the same by seeing other people frequently and making things worse by comparing us.  I've lived, nay - I've struggled - through this relationship for so long that I don't see how it could possibly change after all these years.  He never budges and I'm always the one who has to move.  Maybe you have a frenemy like this and you can relate.  Or perhaps he is your friend too and you love him / hate him just as I do.  I've attached a picture of him below so you can see what he looks like. 

What a smug bastard... he always has to have the last word.

Sunshine

It was a perfect July day.  She carried the blanket and he carried the basket towards the lone tree in the middle of the field... their field... the place they always went to be together.  They smiled at each other.  She kicked off her sandals to feel the lush grass beneath her feet as they walked.  She carefully unfolded the blanket, setting it just outside the tree's shade so they could bask in the sun and then move to the shade when it became too hot.  He immediately began to take the items out of the basket, knowing that she would want to eat right away.  She watched him display everything he had meticulously packed... the chilled wine, cheese, strawberries, and chocolate.  They talked and laughed as they ate, and he thought that the vibrant blue sky was no match for her blue eyes.  They laid on their backs after eating, listening to the wind and drifting in and out of sleep.  Conversation was not necessary and time was not an issue.  As she contemplated the beauty and wonder of nature, he rolled on to his side and propped his head up on one elbow.  He asked her plainly, "Will you marry me?"

 

Her eyes snapped open and she blinked rapidly against the brightness of the sky, devoid of any clouds, and against the starkness of the question itself.  A smile slowly spread across her face.

She laughed at the absurdity of his question and replied no, for what seemed like the tenth time.  Unsurprised by his best friend's reaction, he laughed too.  Even though her answer was always the same, he asked her anyway.  He knew that one of these days she was going to see that they belonged together, just like the blue sky paired perfectly with the green grass all around them.  He was a patient man and he knew that sunshine cannot be rushed.

Little Love Letters

For some of the best people I know ~

Names have been changed to protect the innocent, nicknames the same to maintain the silliness... and perhaps someday they will all want to be a pierogi too, like their crazy but extremely lucky aunt.  Hopefully I can show them how it's done.  ;)

1. Nichole Sunshine (brother's first born) - Oh my sunshine, where do I start?  You've taught me a lot about babies and now little girls and somehow you even managed to convince me that pink isn't the worst color in the world.  Yours was the first diaper I changed, yours was the first voice I heard so tiny, yours was the first smile I saw that made me deliriously happy and in love.  You are the exclusive inventor of the "Nichole Why".  You're a comedian with the things that you do and say now that you're three and a half (although you've been doing and saying cute things for a long time now!).  You told me this at age two: "I'm a big girl, because I know what to do and I know what not to do.  I know what I want and I know what I don't want."  We should all be so wise.  Your big beautiful blue eyes are curious and you question as much as you can.  Your dimple shows when you smile and your little personality is getting bigger all the time. You are incredibly smart and I love to hear your thoughts, logic,  and "ideas".  You are full of wonder at everything you see and you are, well, just wonderful to me! :)

2. Denali Pie (LEL's first born) - My pumpkin pie, how I love you so!  Since I already had a niece, I was able to realize and understand more fully all of the fun and the love that I had to look forward to when you arrived.  Before you were born though, you and your doctors gave us all quite a scare...because we didn't know if you'd be a healthy baby.  I prayed and prayed for you, as did so many others, and when you were born you came out miraculously perfect.  The first time I saw you, I was overwhelmed with just how tiny you were but I was also overwhelmed with gratitude for your good health and happiness for your parents.  Your mommy and daddy let me reach inside your incubator to touch you, and I'll never forget the smallest knee propped up in the air and my finger stroke on your knee that touched my heart.  You had the cutest cry as a baby and I couldn't help myself - I had to smile when you cried (and your mom would just shake her head in amusement at me).  Every time I see you, I'm amazed at your precious little features on your beautiful little face... and how tall you're getting at almost age three.  You're a very good big sister.  You're quite a rambunctious little girl who also has excellent manners, and I have the best time when we play together.  Your hair is an impossible to describe but superb light brown color that I wish I could bottle.... so that I could use it when I have to dye my hair in a few years! :)

3. Marie Love (brother's second born, my first godchild) - Love of my life, you are so lovely!  As your daddy would say, you broke the "cute-ometer" like your big sister.  It surged to the MAX point and then it broke trying to record your levels of cuteness.  You're one and a half now, and you're the happiest baby, so pleasant and smiling all the time.  You want to do everything your big sister does and you try your best to do it.  Your baby laugh makes me feel like I am The Absolute Funniest Person in the World when we play peek-a-boo and our made-up games together.  I wish I could have your sheer joyfulness resulting from practically anything you see.  I'm amazed at how big you're getting (much too quickly for me) and I wish I could see you more often.... I can hardly believe that you're already counting in your little baby voice!  I marvel at how I got to be so lucky as to be related to you and your sister.  God has blessed our family with the two of you.  Again, as your daddy has said, "How did it happen that I won the Powerball twice with these little girls?  And this is even better than winning the Powerball."  :)

4. Elizabeth Sweetheart (LEL's second born, my second godchild) - Sweetie pie, you're sweeter than all the sugar in all the marshmallows in the whole wide world.  Your parents couldn't decide on a name right away after you were born, so when I met you on your birthday, you were a sweet unnamed angel.  Since you're almost ten months old now, you still have those beautiful chubby cheeks that I admired on your first day in this world.  You have the softest hair, which I am pleased to see is growing into a perfect color like your big sister's.  You have your mommy's eyebrows and nose and your own little machine-gun laugh that I love to hear, with two centered front teeth on the bottom and just one coming in on the top!  I am lucky and proud to be your godmother and I think you are very happy about it too....you smiled frequently as I held you during your baptism ceremony.  I was doing my best to pay attention to the priest, but I had to keep looking down at you because any time I stole a peek, your little baby mouth turned up into the biggest grin!  I hope I never forget how sweet you were that day! :)

5. A fifth niece! (JLC's growing babycakes) - Mystery baby, I can't wait to meet you!  I hope you have your mommy's enthusiasm for life and your daddy's patience, your mommy's expressiveness and your daddy's perceptiveness.  I hope you have the strong faith and kindness of both of your parents.  I already know you'll have lots of love in your life and I can't wait to be a part of it to love you too... you mean so much to me and you're not even here yet! :)