The Visit

I went to see an old friend today.  Actually, using the term frenemy would probably better describe our relationship.  We've known each other for about fifteen years and at times I think I hate him.

Before seeing him, I had been thinking about him nonstop, even dreaming of him occasionally.  I knew I owed him a visit and he knew it too.  When I got to his place, I walked into the room as nonchalantly as I could.  I already felt his eyes on mine; the weight of his stare created a knot in my stomach while I tried to check out the other men in the room.  I didn't want to be with him, but he knew very well that my other options did not suit me as well as he did.  I sidled up to him and gave him a resigned smile.  I apologized for not coming to see him in so long.  I touched his arm and the feel of my old friend melted away my fears and misgivings.  He expressed happiness in seeing me too and we started to walk together slowly as we caught up on all that had happened since the last time I saw him.  We were both polite and I was glad I made the time to go see him today.  Our conversation was friendly and quiet; he spoke to me in a comforting whisper.

Except that was just the beginning.  If you've ever been in an abusive relationship, you'll know what happened next.  His tone shifted on me.  His true feelings came out... he was angry and jealous that I did not visit him sooner.  He started getting agitated, talking faster and louder and making me walk faster to try to keep up with his long strides.  This happens every time I see him, so I don't know why I am always surprised at how swiftly he can take my breath away and confuse me with his mean words.  I protested.  I pleaded. 

He was relentless and wouldn't slow down.  Earlier when I thought he was happy to see me, I realized that he had tricked me.  He lulled me into a false sense of security.  He promised me this wouldn't happen again.  I hated myself for believing in him, just like I did the last time and the time before that and the time before that one, too.  His mocking, sneering smile berated me for staying away so long.  My feeble excuses of "But I don't have time!" and "I wanted to come see you!" were drowned out in his maniacal roar and the sound of my heart pounding in my chest.  He told me it was all my fault and through clenched teeth I broke down and told him he was right.  Once he knew he had defeated me, he finally started to calm down.  I was near tears and felt emotionally, physically drained.  This is what he wants.  I know it to be true and yet I still can't leave him.  Furthermore, he knows I won't leave... and this gives him all the power.   He knows about my pierogi dream and he cruelly reminds me every visit of how much I need him.  He is a cocky son-of-a-bitch and for good reason.  When things are great between us, there is no one who can make me feel euphoric like he can.  No one.  Like any other man, he loves it when I turn him on when I first see him.  Instead of wanting to be with him, I'm ready to walk away after a few minutes.  Like any other woman, I love it when I abruptly shut him down at the end of our visits.  I feel invincible, strong. 

My friend and I have a tortured relationship when all I've ever wanted is for it to be harmonious.  I haven't been able to commit to only him though, and so he does the same by seeing other people frequently and making things worse by comparing us.  I've lived, nay - I've struggled - through this relationship for so long that I don't see how it could possibly change after all these years.  He never budges and I'm always the one who has to move.  Maybe you have a frenemy like this and you can relate.  Or perhaps he is your friend too and you love him / hate him just as I do.  I've attached a picture of him below so you can see what he looks like. 

What a smug bastard... he always has to have the last word.