Can you give me a hand here?

I just had another extremely productive Sunday evening.  I must have gotten too much sleep this weekend, because I am fighting off an overabundance of energy.  The Steelers game was a good opportunity for me to wave some of it off and lift my (little) hand weights while watching, but even that wasn't enough to reduce the high energy level.  After the game was over, I literally ran around my apartment and later jumped/danced like a maniac to the radio for a few minutes  (It is a sad evening since the Steelers lost; I had to push myself through the silly motions). 

Then I thought, "OMG, how awesome would it be if I could do a handstand?!!?".  Doesn't everyone think of stuff like this?  I unsuccessfully tried to do it a few times before I had the ingenius idea of looking up instructions on the internet.  I swear to you that I am a 29 year old female and not a 13 year old boy, although I can identify with them... Breakouts?  Check.  First-kiss jitters and sweaty palms on a date?  Check and check.  Moustache slowly growing?  Check.   

Anyway, for those of you who are married with children or even just married, you're probably wondering 1) why the hell would she try to do handstands in her free time? and 2) what is free time?   The answers are relatively simple.  1) I am supercool.  2) Free time = this is what single people have if they have already cleaned the apartment, done all the laundry, talked to the folks, and caught up with friends on the phone.  Yes, there are things I could and should do such as volunteering or a part-time job, but I'm working on those.  In the meantime, I am supercool.

On one episode of Sex And The City (SATC), the characters are discussing their "Secret Single Behavior" (SSB).  In a way, attempting handstands could count as one of those except for the fact that it is not a secret and it is not something that I routinely do (until next Sunday night, of course!).  On the show, they didn't want their boyfriends finding out about the SSB they do when said boyfriends are not around because they were worried it would scare them away.

Back to the point - so after I watched some experts online and got some tips, I decided it would be smart to clear a space in front of a wall so that I wouldn't flip over.  Good idea?  Yes!  Was it a tip I learned from the internet?  No!  I awkwardly slid/crumpled on my first attempt which caused my wrists to crack in a bunch of different places and made my neck feel funny.  Undeterred, my second attempt was so bad I'm not sure what really happened... it was a blur.  There was a loud thud against the wall, my hair was disheveled more than it normally is, and I decided to wait until there was another person around for fear of getting hurt.  See, this proves I'm not a 13 year old boy.  The boys would just do it anyways and then damage something.  I am much more sophisticated/mature than that (read: I really don't want to drive myself to the ER to explain how I broke my wrist and then have to explain all over again at work on Monday.  Not everyone understands the plight of the brave).

Unlike the SATC characters, I'm not afraid to share this SSB with anyone and this is exactly the reason why having a boyfriend around would sometimes be useful.  I'm sure I would be a shoo-in at the pierogi try-outs if I could do a handstand.  The Pirates staff would exclaim, "Oh look, how novel!  That pierogi is upside-down!  Just what the crowd paid money to see!"...Even though an upside-down pierogi probably doesn't look much different than a normal pierogi, assuming there is such a thing as "normal" when a person is standing in a pierogi costume.

I better get to bed and rest up... my social calendar is surprisingly free tomorrow night, if you can believe it, and there are all kinds of fun I could end up having.  And no, shaving/bleaching/waxing off my moustache isn't one of them... at least not yet.

Look at how much fun this is, especially the nineties clothing.

Terrible Advice

One of my best friends recently received her first Terrible Towel so that she will be prepared to attend her first Steelers game when we play the Ravens in Baltimore.  I love her immensely, except she is the only Steelers fan I know who did not own a Terrible Towel up until now....I can hear the collective four gasps across Allegheny county... how strangely shocking, indeed.  No matter, I'm going to dismiss that detail as long as she follows my advice.  I hope her allegiance doesn't falter....she has a new boyfriend who lives in Ravens country and apparently loves the team that is (gag) Purple like a certain (un)popular children's dinosaur.  She tells me he is a great guy although I have my doubts based on team selection.  He must be girl smart for choosing my friend but it sounds like he lacks in the football smarts.  At least he's taking my girl (his girl?) to a Steelers game so I'll reluctantly give him some credit for that one.


Miss KMD - this one is just for you, with much love from your Fire Doodle.  I expect you to know this verbatim with your super-duper memory skills before gameday to ensure you are ready.  Have fun, be careful, and please don't let me down!

Terrible Towel (TT) Advice:

1. Always carry your TT to the Steelers games.  This includes all pre-game tailgating activities and any post-game tailgating activities.  If your apartment is burning down on your way out the door to the game and you had to choose between your ID and your TT, you choose the TT and continue on to the game, calling 911 from your vehicle.  Take your chances on not getting carded and wink/smile at other Steelers fans if you must in order to imbibe responsibly as you wish.

2. Always use the proper technique to wave your TT.  The basic swing is helicopter style above your head, with your arm extended as high as you can lift it and your hand clutching the end of the towel, using your wrist to flick the towel around.  Most of the time I use my dominant hand so I can wave the TT as fast and as hard as I can to help spur on an offensive march or a defensive stand.  You can be sitting or standing depending on the situation.  A frenzied pace is the norm, as a slow helicopter turn may cause the TT to fall on your head...plus you will need plenty of room to do the slow style properly by swinging your whole arm, and it should only be used in special circumstances.  Sometimes the TT can be used in a tomahawk style chop using a downward arm movement if you are angry and need to hit something.  I usually do this on inanimate objects such as my couch or the floor, but feel free to do this on the nearest opposing team's fan if you think he will be a good sport about it and not cry like a baby since you hit him with a piece of cloth.  Feel free to scream and holler loudly while waving the towel.

3. Always wave your TT with pride.  Wave it as a hello to other Steelers fans, wave it as a taunt to opposing teams' fans, wave it to release pent up adrenaline before kickoff, wave it in the parking lot if you love hot dogs and burgers and peanuts and beer and nachos and the great sport that is football.  Wave it at kickoff, wave it for any good Steelers play, wave it in encouragement after any bad Steelers play, wave it on all third downs and anytime the black and gold scores.  Wave it for missed opportunities for the other team, wave it for injured players who make it off the field.  Remember that these are just a few suggestions since pretty much anything can justify a rousing wave of the TT...just don't forget to wave it proudly using the aforementioned technique.

4. Never, ever allow a non-Steelers fan to hold your TT.  They may seem innocent, but do not trust them, even if they "just want to see it for a minute".  Yes, this includes your boyfriend.  I know it's hard, but I don't make up the rules.  Oh wait, I do, and he is not allowed to touch it.  Trust me on this one.  I would not steer you wrong.  Opposing teams' fans are jealous of the TT and may try to harm it.  Guard your TT and protect it with your life.

5. Never wash your TT.  I'm sure there are conflicting views out there on this, but I mandate that you treat your towel with the respect it deserves and don't try to pretty it up with detergent, fabric softener and those Bounce dryer sheets you love so much.  The TT is functional, durable, and not once has it ever been called The Clean Terrible Towel.

6. Always keep your TT within reach during the game.  If you're not holding your TT at the ready in your hands, it can also be worn as an accessory.  I normally hang it over one of my shoulders or around my neck, and you can also tuck it into your jeans pocket or your waistband if you need your hands free for carrying food/drinks back to your seat.  You are much more creative than me so I'm sure you can think of something else, just make sure it is securely on you so there is no chance of losing it and so you don't miss a prime waving opportunity.

7. Always give the TT a prominent place in your home for display, especially during football season.  I suggest making it the focal point of your living room (or whichever room where you watch the games).  Color-coordinated furniture, such as a sleek black leather couch, is not necessary but would be a nice touch to enhance the gold TT.  If you have multiple towels then you can display one in each room.

8. Always carry your TT with you on any trip where you might want to grace everyone with a little bit of Pittsburgh pride.  This is a valuable instruction when traveling to any place in the U.S. where an NFL team plays, but it is especially important when traveling to other teams in our division.  Nothing makes Cleveland residents happier than seeing you wave your towel for no reason other than you feel the need to thank your lucky stars that you were raised right.  Cleveland fans might even give you a special wave back with one finger.  You can hold up six fingers in response.  Throw in a little dance if you feel like shaking it to the "Here We Go" song playing in your head and then follow that up with another wave of the towel for good measure.

9. Always carry your TT with you on any trip where you have even the smallest chance of getting on TV.  Nothing can bring a tear to a tough Pittsburgh Steelers fan's eye quite like seeing a TT held up for the world to witness behind Matt Lauer's head at the Olympics or any other place for that matter.  This will provide encouragement to those Steelers fans who are having a bad day and happen to see you with the TT...they will know they are not alone and the Steeler Nation is alive and well.  It's actually not a bad idea to carry it with you year-round, because you never know when it might come in handy.

10. Always consider giving someone the gift of the TT if he does not own one already or if he needs more than one.  It will become a cherished possession and it will never go out of style...the TT fits every budget and it's on everyone's wish list, so you can't go wrong.  Nothing says "I love you and want you to be a part of the best sports team ever" quite like a TT.  It will be a good friend all season long, through the wins and hopefully playoffs and hopefully the Super Bowl, year after year, and it will absorb your tears in times of loss.    

HERE WE GO STEELERS, HERE WE GO!!!